PG's Humour


Church Related

Americans and God!

Amish and the Elevator

Aren't you Moses?

The Atheist

Beer with Me

Biblical Programming

Dear Pastor

Gambling?

Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament

How Different Denominations Change Light Bulbs

Hymns appropriate to the occasion

"I'm drawing God."

The Lord's Prayer: according to Private Eye

The Pope and Bernard Matthews

The Pope and his chauffeur

Shadowing Timmy

The Sound Bishop


The Pope and Bernard Matthews

The Pope needs £250,000 for a new roof for the Vatican. Bernard Matthews (the turkey farmer) hears about the fund.
He meets the Pope and says "I'll give you some money for your fund. But there is a snag.
"You know the bit in the Lord's Prayer that says, 'give us our daily bread?'"
"Yes," replies the Pope, wondering what was coming next.

 
"Well could we change that to 'give us our daily turkey'?"

The Pope replies, "I can't agree to that!"
"I'll give you £10,000."
"No," says the Pope.
"Alright £100,000."
"No!"
"Okay £200,000."

The Pope sounded even more hesitant. "I'll have to speak to the Cardinals."
"Alright, alright, £250,000," Mr. Matthews agrees.
"DONE! Let me go and tell them."

So the Pope gathers all the Cardinals together.
"Well, lads, I have good news and bad news."
"Tell us then," they all cried, excitedly.
"For £250,000 Mr. Matthews asks that we change the bit in the Lord's Prayer that says 'Give us our daily bread' to 'give us our daily turkey'."
To his amazement they agree.

"What's the bad news"?
"We have lost Hovis as our Sponsors!"

(Contributed by Joe O'Shaughnessy)

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Gambling?

A vicar and his administrator are sitting next to each other on a tiring train journey. The vicar leans over to the administrator and asks if he would like to play a fun game - "not gambling, but just a little something to while away the time, you understand." The administrator just wants to have a good long siesta, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The vicar persists and explains the rules: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £1. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £1." Again, the administrator politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The vicar, now somewhat miffed as he's dead bored with journey, says: "OK-OK. If you don't know the answer you pay me £1, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £5!" This catches the administrator's attention, and, since he also wants to keep in the vicar's good books, agrees to play the game.

The vicar asks the first question: "By how many names or titles is Jesus referred to in the Bible?" The administrator doesn't say a word but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a one pound coin, and hands it to the vicar.

Now, it's the administrator's turn. He asks the vicar: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The vicar looks at his administrator a bit puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He plugs into his mobile phone with his modem and searches the Internet and specific libraries.
Frustrated, he sends an e-mail to one of his founts of wisdom in Whitehall-- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes his administrator and hands him £5. The administrator, polite as ever, takes the £5 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The vicar, more than a little miffed, shakes the administrator and asks: "Well, what's the answer?" Whereupon, the administrator, without another word, digs into his pocket again and hands his vicar a one pound coin, content that he has played his vicar's game and can now sleep in peace.

(Contributed by Andrew Paterson)

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Hymns appropriate to the occasion

The Dentist's Hymn--"Crown Him with Many Crowns"
The TV Weatherman's Hymn---"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
The Contractor's Hymn--"The Church's one Foundation"
The Tailor's Hymn--"Holy, Holy, Holy"
The Golfer's Hymn---"There is a Green Hill Far Away"
The Politician's Hymn--"Standing on the Promises"
The Optician's Hymn--"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
The Inland Revenue Hymn--"All to Thee"
The Gossiper's Hymn--"Pass it On"
The Electrician's Hymn--"Send the Light"
The Shopper's Hymn--"Sweet by and by"

If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:

at 45 mph...."God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph...."Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph...."Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph..."Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph..."This World is not my Home"
at 95 mph...."Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph...."Precious Memories"

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Biblical Programming

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors.
The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all when the power went off. The judge turned to the other competitor.

Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

"Jesus saves."

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The Lord's Prayer:
[according to Private Eye]

"Our Carer,
Who is in another dimension.
You are a very special person.
We hope all your future plans work out, and that whatever you want comes true on all levels of experience.
Please supply all our material needs.
And let's not be judgmental with each other, so that others won't be judgmental with us, if you see what I mean.
Look. Please don't put us into situations which we can't handle. And keep us in a risk free environment.
For you deserve respect, not just now, but on a long term basis. Be lucky! And take care!"

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Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament

- Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier

Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright colour and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table:
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both fork-fulls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offence with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

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How Different Denominations Change Light Bulbs

1.How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

2.How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

3.How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???

4.How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

5.How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

6.How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, because any more might result in too much co-operation.

7.How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

8.How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.

9.How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

10.How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

11.How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted - all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

12. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"

13. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

14. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109 - because it takes 7 on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favour, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethic Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

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Americans and God!

Letter to an advice columnist in the US.

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual
uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Sincerely,

Very confused.

(another contributed by Lesley Anne Rutter)

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The Sound Bishop

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was urgently required. The bishop decided that, besides the Cathedral's human resources manager, he personally would sit in on the interviews to find a sound man (as it were). So the two of them climbed the ladder up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several dodgy applicants demonstrate their skills, they were about to call it a day when an armless man approached them for the job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms! You're ... um ... armless! How can you do the bell-ringing?"
"No problemo," said the man. And, to their great astonishment, he began striking the bells with his face. This produced a beautiful, sweet melody on the carillon.
The bishop was convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the lad tripped and plunged headlong out the belfry window to his death in the busy street below. The stunned bishop rushed down
the steps, and a crowd had already gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music a few minutes before.

As they parted to let the bishop through, someone asked: "Your Grace, who was this man?"

"I don't know," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The next day, despite a heavy heart due to the unfortunate death, the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell-ringer.
The first man before him that morning said: "Your Grace, I'm the brother of the poor unfortunate armless fellow who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray
that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this very esteemed and holy duty."
The bishop agreed to audition him, but as the man stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing this, rushed up the stairs. "What's happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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The Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing in.
Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding as he tried to run faster.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Yet now you call to me and expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, " I am a man of principle and it would be hypocritical to become a Christian and ask for your help after all these years.... but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw .... Brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.

They continued it to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

(One of many contributions from Peter Nye)

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The Pope and his chauffeur

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast of the States, and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" enquires the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT?" asks the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

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"I'm drawing God."

A kindergarten teacher was watching her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was about.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Beer with Me

A preacher was finishing an anti-alcohol sermon. With great gusto he said:" If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it to the river and toss it in."

With even more oomph he continued: And if I had all the wine that the world had to offer, I would take it and toss it into the river."

His final triumph ended: "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I would take it and throw it into the river." Then he sat down.

The worship leader cautiously stood and sheepishly said, "Let us now sing the closing song, Hymn 243, Shall We Gather at the River."

From Weekly Clean Humor

(Another contributed by Paul Fisher)

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Shadowing Timmy

Timmy was a little five year old boy. His Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to let him be a "big boy" but still feel sure he was safe. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep an eye on him. 

Mrs. Goodnest said that she was up early with her toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. 

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady who's been following us all week? Do you know her?" 

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is. 

"The little friend said, "Well, who is she?" 

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said. 

"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?" 

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my other prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in that Bible verse it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life'..... So I guess I'll just have to get used to it." 

(from The Laughter List)
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Dear Pastor

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11, Tucson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. 
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. 
Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? 
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

(from The Laughter List)

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Arenít You Moses? 

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. 

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" 

The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" 

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead. 

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" 

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!" 

(Contributed by Fiona de Quidt)

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