The Lord's Prayer: according to Private Eye
The Pope needs £250,000 for a new roof for the Vatican. Bernard
Matthews (the turkey farmer) hears about the fund.
The Pope replies, "I can't agree to that!"
The Pope sounded even more hesitant. "I'll have to speak to the
So the Pope gathers all the Cardinals together.
"What's the bad news"?
(Contributed by Joe O'Shaughnessy)
A vicar and his administrator are sitting next to each other on
a tiring train journey. The vicar leans over to the administrator and asks if he
would like to play a fun game - "not gambling, but just a little something to
while away the time, you understand." The administrator just wants to have a
good long siesta, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch
a few winks.
The vicar, now somewhat miffed as he's dead bored with journey, says: "OK-OK. If you don't know the answer you pay me £1, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £5!" This catches the administrator's attention, and, since he also wants to keep in the vicar's good books, agrees to play the game.
The vicar asks the first question: "By how many names or titles is Jesus referred to in the Bible?" The administrator doesn't say a word but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a one pound coin, and hands it to the vicar.
Now, it's the administrator's turn. He asks the vicar: "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
After about an hour, he wakes his administrator and hands him £5. The administrator, polite as ever, takes the £5 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The vicar, more than a little miffed, shakes the administrator and asks: "Well, what's the answer?" Whereupon, the administrator, without another word, digs into his pocket again and hands his vicar a one pound coin, content that he has played his vicar's game and can now sleep in peace.
(Contributed by Andrew Paterson)
The Dentist's Hymn--"Crown Him with Many Crowns"
If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph...."God Will Take Care of Me"
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical
religious leaders had also learned software programming.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards.
Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at
incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming
on their monitors.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all when the power went off. The judge turned to the other competitor.
Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.
When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
- Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Places:
Laws When at Table:
Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
Concerning Face and Hands:
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
1.How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
2.How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
3.How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
4.How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
5.How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
6.How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a
7.How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
8.How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
9.How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to
change a light bulb?
10.How many members of an established Bible teaching church
that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
11.How many United Methodists does it take to change a light
12. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
13. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
14. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light
Letter to an advice columnist in the US.
Dear Dr. Laura:
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of menstrual
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
(another contributed by Lesley Anne Rutter)
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre
Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was urgently required.
The bishop decided that, besides the Cathedral's human resources manager, he
personally would sit in on the interviews to find a sound man (as it were). So
the two of them climbed the ladder up into the belfry to begin the screening
"You have no arms! You're ... um ... armless! How can you do
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the lad tripped
and plunged headlong out the belfry window to his death in the busy street
below. The stunned bishop rushed down
As they parted to let the bishop through, someone asked: "Your Grace, who was this man?"
"I don't know," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The next day, despite a heavy heart due to the unfortunate
death, the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell-ringer.
Two monks, hearing this, rushed up the stairs. "What's happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him.
He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pounding as he tried to run faster.
At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the
The atheist looked directly into the light, " I am a man of principle and it would be hypocritical to become a Christian and ask for your help after all these years.... but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well" said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw .... Brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old
lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
They continued it to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped
(One of many contributions from Peter Nye)
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast of the States, and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"Is it the PRESIDENT?" asks the chief.
"I don't know Sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
A kindergarten teacher was watching her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was about.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A preacher was finishing an anti-alcohol sermon. With great gusto he said:" If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it to the river and toss it in."
With even more oomph he continued: And if I had all the wine that the world had to offer, I would take it and toss it into the river."
His final triumph ended: "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I would take it and throw it into the river." Then he sat down.
The worship leader cautiously stood and sheepishly said, "Let us now sing the closing song, Hymn 243, Shall We Gather at the River."
From Weekly Clean Humor
(Another contributed by Paul Fisher)
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Timmy was a little five year old boy. His Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to let him be a "big boy" but still feel sure he was safe. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep an eye on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that she was up early with her toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady who's been following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is.
"The little friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my other prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in that Bible verse it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life'..... So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
(from The Laughter List)
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11, Tucson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow.
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already
in my house.
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
(from The Laughter List)
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
(Contributed by Fiona de Quidt)