PG's Humour

Computer Humour


Abraham Upgrades his Computer

Changing Calendars for Y2K

Computer Term Dictionary

Crossed Wires

E-haiku (computer poetry)

Poem for Computer Users over 30

My Spelling Chequer

Ode to a Spell Checker

Senile Virus Warning

The Technical Support Experience

Trojan Virus Warning

'Virtual Hilarity'

Virus Warning?

Virus Warning (Work-related)


Poem for Computer Users over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut is what you did with a pocket knife
Paste is what you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

(One of many contributed by Juliet Langridge)

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Ode to a Spell checker

(by Matthew Lecher)

Owe! spell-checker!
How eye love the,
Let me count the wheys!
U never slip up,
In aul of my daze!
U Czech all my words
Sow their spelled write.
Yes, that's write,
Know mistakes,
In this maize of words..

(Borrowed from a CompuServe forum and some touches added by Brian Barder)

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The Technical Support Experience

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

*****************

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

***********

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

******************

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

*********************

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

*******************

A local ISP frequently receives phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

*******************

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

********************

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

*****************

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons-I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to ... "
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet ...is 'little picture' ok?"
Customer: (click)

******************

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

(One of many contributed by Brian Barder)

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Crossed Wires

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into
the room and saw this note on the screen:ee

"DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR
YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."

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'Virtual Hilarity'

1. Checking my e-mail, I found I had been sent a photo of a bouquet of roses.
The message accompanying it read: "Hi Mum! Now I'm a student I can't afford real flowers, so I thought I'd send you a virtual bunch instead."
- Elizabeth Black, Oakham, Rutland.

2. My son Jared began spending lots of time in Internet chat rooms rather than revising, and I became worried that his exam results would be affected. I made him promise to study until I returned home from work at 5 pm.

One day at 4.30 pm, I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favourite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends.

"Jared", I typed "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!"

"Hi, Mrs. Beyeler", came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing his homework at the moment and said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to tell him he's been grounded." - Jolene Beyeler

3. During the time the Tories were in power, the spell-checker on "The Tablet's" computer system suggested calling the minister chairing the Northern Ireland peace talks, "Sir Patrick Mayhem" (instead of 'Mayhew') - The Tablet

4. Reading aloud his young son's wish-list of presents, a father discovered that it included a request for:"a new state-of-the-art computer with a 28.8 kilobits-per-second modem and a Netscape browser to navigate through cyberspace on an enhanced video-graphics-array display."
"We used to ask to play outside," lamented his wife. - Brian Ferguson, Belfast

5. When I returned to England after many years of living in America, it took me some time to find a voltage transformer so I could use the computer which - complete with loaded programs - I'd brought back with me. A few days after I had finally got my computer up and running, a friend telephoned and asked me to look up a word on my spell-checker. "But that will give you the American spelling," I pointed out.
"No it won't", she said, "You've got the transformer now."
- Eleanor Coyne, Sittingbourne, Kent

6. Needing to send a number of floppy disks from one university research team to another, a group of students decided to use a courier service to ensure safe delivery. The disks were carefully packed and labelled. "Computer Disks Don't Bend".
A few days later the disks were returned badly bent and folded with the following words added: "Oh yes they do". - David Bowles, Tadcaster, North Yorkshire

7. My printer's type had begun to grow faint so I called a local repair shop. Over the telephone, a friendly man informed me that it probably just needed a clean. Because the shop charged 25 for such jobs, he told me I'd be better off reading the printer manual and doing it myself. Surprised by his candour, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's his idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people fix things themselves first."
- Michelle St. James.

8. I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise like a heart monitor. "This machine has 'flat-lined'," a colleague called out in mock horror. "Can anyone here do mouse-to-mouse?". - Mary Ross

9. While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten year old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know what Daddy's password is!"
"What is it" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk." -Diane Williams

10. Talking to my dad about his computer set-up, he mentioned that he planned to put up a DOS partition on his hard drive. Overhearing part of the conversation, my mum stuck her head round the door and shouted "You're not building a wall in my dining room!" - John Kirkwood, Rugby, Warwickshire.

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E-haiku (Computer poetry)

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second and 5 in the third.

------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

(One of many contributed by Dave Perkins)

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Changing Calendars for Y2K

Secretary's memo to her boss.

TO: Boss
FROM: Ms. Dim-but-Nice
RE: Changing Calendars for Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.
The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Ms. Dim-but-Nice

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My Spelling Chequer

(Won)
Eye halve a spelling chequer
Witch came with my pea sea.
It clear lea marques four my review
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

(Too)
Eye strike a quay and sea a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

(Free)
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
Then eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

(Fore)
Eye ran this poem threw it
Ewe will bee glad two no
Its letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

(one of many contributed by Nick Procter)

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Abraham Upgrades his Computer

And it came to pass after these things that God did test Abraham.

And he said to him "Abraham." And Abraham answered "Here I am".

And God said "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286 computer, and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, a Windows 98 system, which I shall show you".

And Abraham rose up early in the morning and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286 computer onto the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Isaac his son.

And he rode up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows 98.
Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw Windows 98 from afar.

And Abraham said to his young men "Stay here with the ass, and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 98 on our 286 computer and come again to you".

And Abraham took his computer, his 286 computer, and laid it on Isaac his son.
And they went, both of them together.

And Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said "My father".
And Abraham replied "Here I am, my son".

And Isaac said "Windows 98 requires more memory than has a 286. How will it possibly run on your machine?"

And Abraham looked at Isaac his son, his only son, whom he loved, and shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith, and with unswerving trust and belief in God he said:

"Fear not Isaac my son. God will provide the RAM".

(from Sue Atkin)

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Virus Warning?

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bad times", delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98/Me environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send to everyone .....

(another contributed by Dave Perkins)

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Computer Term Dictionary

586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
 

Layman's Computer Terms

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. 
Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
 

(from The Laughter List) 

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Old Virus Resurfaces!

Just got this in from a reliable source.  It seems that there is a
virus out there  called the Senile Virus that even the most
advanced programs from Norton cannot  take care of. 
So be warned, although it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1964!

Symptoms of Senile Virus
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

(Contributed by Fiona de Quidt)

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Trojan Virus Warning

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD  IT!!!!
It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

FROM: hector@studmuffin.com TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break this to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tip offs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation marks. Always a give away.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realise how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

(Contributed by Brian Barder)

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VIRUS WARNING (Work-related)


There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

(Contributed by Chris /Ruth Bland)

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Email:
peter@madraff.co.uk