PG's Humour

In the Beginning ...


Everything I need to know  about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

Garden of Eden

The Genesis Story - retold :

If God had a PC . . .

If Noah lived in the United States today.....

Life explained


Garden of Eden

So Adam's walking around the Garden of Eden, realizing to himself that he's very lonely.
He asks God for his help; God replies " Well, I could make you a woman.
"She will look after you and all that is yours, she will do everything you ask of her without question, she will be loyal and understanding, and source of comfort in times of sadness, AND she will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off her;
"but, it'll cost you an arm and a leg".

Adam pondered for a moment and then replied:
"mmm........what can I get for a rib?"

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If God had a PC ...

In the beginning, there was the computer.

And God entered:

C:\>Let there be light!

Enter user ID

C:\>God

Enter password

C:\>Omniscient

Invalid password

Enter password

C:\>Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:\>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command

C:\>Create light
Done

C:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:\>Create firmament
Done.

C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear ...

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:\>Create dry_land
Done.

C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done

C:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:\>Create fish
Done

C:\>Create fowl
Done

C:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:\>Create cattle
Done

C:\>Create creepy_things
Done

C:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>Create man
Done

C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth ...

Too many command operands. Try again.

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors..

C:\>Insert breath
Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden

Too many parameters

C:\>Create Garden.edn
Done

C:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:\>Copy woman from man
Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

C:\>Create desire
Done

C:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Create freewill
Done

C:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

C:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Create good, evil
Done

C:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

C:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:\>Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:

COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.

PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:\>Create new world

You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

C:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

C:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On Saturday, March 7, God rested.

On March 8, God created Macintosh.

And God saw that it was GOOD.

(Contributed by Josh Gifford)

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The Genesis Story - retold

In the Beginning....
God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.
He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and such as many as there are seed". The Department of the Environment agreed so long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game co-ordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Fund for Nature and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before....

It was at this point that God created Hell...

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If Noah lived in the United States today...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark".
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember", said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year".

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", he shouted, "where is the Ark?".
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordnances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have sixteen carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft".

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years", Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. Someone already has".

(One of many contributed by Dave Perkins)

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Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... 

1: Don't miss the boat. 
2: Remember that we are all in the same boat. 
3: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. 
4: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. 
5: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. 
6: Build your future on high ground. 
7: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 
8: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. 
9: When you're stressed, float a while. 
10: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. 
11: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

(One of many contributed by Andrew Paterson)

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Life Explained

  On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so… Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Monkey gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have fun and, enjoy life. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy life, and have fun; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

(from the Laughter List)

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peter@madraff.co.uk