1. US Solution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it any more.
(Contributed by Brian Barder)
2. Good news: Saddam Hussein is going to face the death penalty. The bad news: David Beckham's going to take it.
(Contributed by Nick Procter)
3. WASHINGTON (Reuters)
- A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
A Presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
(Contributed by Catherine Gbur)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East!
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too...maybe we should send some to the guy in China! And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
(Contributed by Dave Perkins)
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He
enters a ward full of patients with no obvious
sign of injury or illness.
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony
moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins
to chant: "We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"
"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit".
(Contributed by Neil Corrie)
What you need:
* A group of four taxpayers: including one white guy wearing a suit, two wearing normal clothes and one in semi-shabby clothes.
* A shot glass per person (all bought in a second-hand store)
* 100 tiny toothpicks with American flags wrapped around them.
* A slab of soft French cheese, e.g. Brie.
* A large stash of beer. The one in the ragged clothing gets the cheapest he can find, like Milwaukee's Best; the white guy in the suit gets to drink whatever import he wants; and the other two pick between Bud and Miller Lite.
Rules of the Game:
1. Whenever George W. mentions the liberation of the freedom-loving Iraqi people, the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has to drink four shots of beer.
2. Whenever George W. uses the words: "God," "America" or "jobs," drink a shot of beer.
3. Whenever George W. mispronounces the word "terrorism" the last person to knock on wood drinks two shots of beer.
4. Whenever George W. mentions the phrase "sanctity of marriage," take a shot of beer. The first time this happens, the last person to finish has to drink two more shots of beer and do the dishes during the Democratic Response.
5. Whenever the speech is interrupted by applause, the last person to stick one of the American flag toothpicks into the soft French cheese from a distance of two feet drinks two shots of beer. The white guy in the suit gets an extra chance each round.
6. Whenever George W. smirks during a standing ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double-time if his shoulders shake with silent laughter.
7. If Vice President Dick Cheney or First Lady Laura Bush are caught on camera not paying attention and talking to somebody else while Puppet-Boy is still speaking, drink a whole beer.
8. If George W. Bush mentions Halliburton, his inability to find the weapons of mass destruction or Osama bin Laden, the white guy in the suit has to drink a shot of everybody else's beer out of their shot glass, and they get to wipe their glass clean on his jacket.
9. If George W. Bush attempts to make a joke, anybody who laughs drinks three shots of beer.
10. Whenever George W. Bush quotes the Bible or uses the word "evildoers" in a sentence, the last person to fall to their knees drinks two shots of beer. If he pulls a quote from the Bible about "evildoers," the last person to get prostrate drinks an entire beer.
1. The white guy in the suit gets to kick the person wearing the shabby clothes if George W. uses a heartfelt story of an individual's grace and/or courage under pressure to illustrate a point. He gets 15 seconds to kick everybody if that person is in the audience sitting next to an astronaut.
2. Everybody gets to kick the butt of the guy in the suit for 15 seconds, only if Bush's teleprompter goes out and he begins to flail about mumbling nonsense about his days with the Texas Rangers.
(Contributed by Brian Barder)
Look out Scotland and Australia!
In ‘that Speech’, Bush calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea the “Axis of Evil” -- N.Y. Times, 1/30/02
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs.
Beijing (SatireWire.com) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three - and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the ‘Axis of Somewhat Evil’, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the ‘Axis of Occasionally Evil’, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the ‘Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable’.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the ‘Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics’; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the ‘Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America’, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the ‘Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick’.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do, said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations
of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval
for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the ‘Axis of Countries
Whose Names End in "Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
(Contributed by Lesley Anne Rutter)
Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Saddam Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Among the sisters:
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
(From The Laughter List)
EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pleaded guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of *over one billion dollars per week*.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
One of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfil my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
During the Iraq War and Occupation thousands of American troops were injured and killed. I did not have the time to attend any of the funerals for our fallen soldiers but I did have the time to attend more than 43 fundraising events of the Republican party.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
President, George W. Bush.
(Contributed by Brian Barder)
Gordon Brown's Retirement Present