PG's Humour 

Pupils' Humour

Doctor, Doctor

Doctor Jokes

What do you call a ... 

What or How?

What or How?

What do you call the hiking trail around the mental hospital? 
Psycho Path. 

How do you get holy water? 
Boil the hell out of it. 

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? 

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? 
A stick. 

What do you call Santa's helpers? 
Subordinate Clauses. 

What do you get from a pampered cow? 
Spoiled milk. 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 
A nervous wreck. 

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? 
Because they have big fingers. 

How do you catch a unique rabbit? 
Unique up on it! 

How do you catch a tame rabbit? 
Tame way, unique up on it! 

(From The Laughter List) 

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Doctor jokes

1. Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. 
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? 
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed." 


2."My doctor told me to take something for my cold." 
"What did you take" 
"His coat!" 


3.Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish. 
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him. 
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel. 


4.Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:"Do you see any change in me?" 


5.Nurse: Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do? 
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving! 
6. Doctor - "Deep breathing, you understand, destroys microbes." 
Patient - "But, doctor, how can I force them to breathe deeply?" 
7, "I don't like your heart action," the doctor said, applying a stethoscope again. "You have had some trouble with angina pectoris, haven't you?" 
"You're right in a way, Doctor," said the young man sheepishly, "only that isn't her name." 


8. A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" 
Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!" 


9. "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. I hurt all over, like when I touch here - ouch, here - ouch, here - ouch, here - ouch (he touches different areas on his body).The doctor looks at him and says, you stupid idiot, you have a broken finger. 

10. Patient - "What shall I do? I have water on the knee." 
Doctor - "Wear pumps." 


11. Doctor - "Well, Mr. Jones, how are you feeling this morning?" 
Jones - "Much better, thank you. The only thing that troubles me is my breathing." 
Doctor - "Um - yes. We must see if we can't do something to stop that." 

12. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" 
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?" 

13. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. 
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? 
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer. 

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Doctor, Doctor

Doctor, Doctor Every bone in my body aches! 
Just be glad you aren't a herring! 

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? 
Of course, come back tomorrow! 

Doctor, Doctor What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar? 
I find that very hard to believe! 

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? 
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache. 

Doctor, Doctor I feel like biscuits! 
What, you mean those square ones? Yes! 
The ones you put butter on? Yes! 
Oh, You're Crackers! 

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out ! 
Certainly, which way did you come in ? 

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. 
Have you tried taking the spoon out ? 

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple. 
We must get to the core of this ! 

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. 
That's quite enough out of you ! 

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO... 
What's wrong with them ? 
They keep slipping out from under my arms ! 

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish 
Poor sole ! 

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday. 
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells? 
What do you mean "took them out of their shells"? 

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up ! 
Just simmer down ! 

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ? 
I never make rash promises ! 

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee. 
Well buzz off - I'm busy ! 

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar ! 
Have you taken anything for it ? 

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What do you call a ...

What do you call a polar bear in the jungle? Lost! 

What do you call a Donkey with only three legs? A little Wonky 

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily 

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff 

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug 

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas 

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack 

What do you call a man with a cork on his head? Bob 

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head? Warren 

What do you call a man with a credit card on his head? Bill 

What do you call a man with a banana in each ear? Anything you like - he can't hear you! 

(contributed by Amy Perkins) 

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Who's there?


The magical interrup - BAAAA!!

2.  What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

2a.  What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath!

3. Q: What do you call a snake crossed with a builder? 
A: A boa  constructor!

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M e n u



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