In the Beginning ...
Garden of Eden
So Adam's walking around the Garden of Eden, realizing
to himself that he's very lonely.
He asks God for his help; God replies " Well, I could
make you a woman.
"She will look after you and all that is yours, she will
do everything you ask of her without question, she will be loyal and understanding,
and source of comfort in times of sadness, AND she will be so beautiful
that you won't be able to take your eyes off her;
"but, it'll cost you an arm and a leg".
Adam pondered for a moment and then replied:
"mmm........what can I get for a rib?"
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If God had a PC ...
In the beginning, there was the computer.
And God entered:
C:\>Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:\>God
Enter password
C:\>Omniscient
Invalid password
Enter password
C:\>Omnipotent
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command
C:\>Create light
Done
C:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there
were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create firmament
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were
0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto
one place and let the dry land appear ...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\>Create dry_land
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were
0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from
the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
C:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun
ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God
saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
C:\>Create fish
Done
C:\>Create fowl
Done
C:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living
creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:\>Create cattle
Done
C:\>Create creepy_things
Done
C:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create man
Done
C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and
subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth ...
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors..
C:\>Insert breath
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden
Too many parameters
C:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:\>Copy woman from man
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>Create desire
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create freewill
Done
C:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create good, evil
Done
C:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer
located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\>Ctrl_Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND
REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
C:\>Create new world
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
C:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
On Saturday, March 7, God rested.
On March 8, God created Macintosh.
And God saw that it was GOOD.
(Contributed by Josh Gifford) Top of Page
The Genesis Story - retold In the Beginning....
God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.
He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but
was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing
at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first
place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the
officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be
strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light
would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission
to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire;
that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have
the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light
"Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested
in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and such
as many as there are seed". The Department of the Environment agreed so
long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures
having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed
out this would require approval from the Department of Game co-ordinated
with the Heavenly Wildlife Fund for Nature and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete
the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days
to review the application and impact statement. After that there would
be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before....
It was at this point that God created Hell...
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If Noah lived in the United States
today...
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh
is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of
every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you
to build an Ark".
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build
the Ark.
"Remember", said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark
and bring everything aboard in one year".
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that
Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", he shouted, "where
is the Ark?".
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm
and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour
objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordnances by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I
finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any
owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have sixteen carpenters
on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two
of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination
by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized my
assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country
to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them
some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational
watercraft".
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years", Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. Someone
already has".
(One of many contributed by Dave Perkins)
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Everything I need to know about
life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
1: Don't miss the boat.
2: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the
Ark.
4: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask
you to do something really big.
5: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job
that needs to be done.
6: Build your future on high ground.
7: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on
board with the cheetahs.
9: When you're stressed, float a while.
10: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic
by professionals.
11: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's
always a rainbow waiting.
(One of many contributed by Andrew Paterson)
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Life Explained
On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so… Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark
at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Monkey gave
you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have fun and, enjoy life.
Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog
gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play, enjoy life, and have fun; for the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
(from the Laughter List)
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