SPORT
Footballers' Bloomers
Scottish football
Sid Waddell - Darts Commentary Classics
World Cup News
Scottish Football
Fast forward - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, so you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1(Angus Mashie 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft; you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Sid
Waddell - Darts Commentary Classics
These are actual quotes from Sid Waddell...
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt"
"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"
"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
"He's like Jack the Ripper on a Friday night."
"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."
"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."
"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak."
"That lad could throw 180 standing one-legged in a hammock."
"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzee’s tea party!"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a wasp on 'speed'."
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips…you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league."
"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis."
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
(Contributed by Chris Bland)
World Cup News
The following squads have been announced for the next World Cup:
BRAZILIAN SQUAD
Pinocchio
Libero Vimto Memento Borneo
Tango Cheerio Subbuteo
Scenario Pistachio
Portfolio
SUBS:
Placebo
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro
SERBIA-MONTENEGRO SQUAD
Itch
Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch
Hic Sic Spic Pric
Digaditch Fallinaditch
Horseraditch
SUBS:
Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
RUSSIAN SQUAD
Kalashnikov
Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov
Slalomsky Downhillsky Risky
Swedishshev Mastershev
Gonov Takeyakitov
SUBS:
Rubitov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Desert Orchid
ROUMANIAN SQUAD
Chatanoogaciouciou
Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou
Busqueue Snookercu
Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou
I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi
SUBS:
U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu
DANISH SQUAD
Toomanigoalssen
Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen
Firstsson Seccondsson Thirdsson
Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen
Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen
SUBS:
Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen
ITALIAN SQUAD
Baloni
Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli
Wotsontelli Toonsgotkenni Onetoomani
Legslikejelli Havantenni
Wobblijelli Spendapenni
SUBS:
Cantthinkofani!!!
MEXICAN SQUAD
San Francisco
Hopelez Juan Andonly Manuel Gearbox
Don Criformi-Argentina Bodegas Luis Canon
Sombrero Chihuahua Tequila
Speedy Gonzalez
SUBS:
Burrito
Acapulco
Arriba-arriba
Jose
DUTCH SQUAD
Kenning van Hire
Van Diemansland Van der Valk Van Gard Van Erealdizeez
Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors
Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe
SUBS:
Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison
LATE NEWS reaches us that:
Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor.
There is no place in the Dutch squad for sweeper, Dick van Dyke.
Footballers' Bloomers
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" George Best.
"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent" Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought." Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.
"It's hard to be passionate twice a week." George Graham on Arsenal's punishing schedule, 1991.
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack-will you stay in football?" STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." RON ATKINSON in a TV interview
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..." PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen." TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." Radio 5 Live
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..." KEVIN KEEGAN
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice." KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps." BRUCE RIOCH, ITV
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again." TERRY VENABLES
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." ALAN BALL
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee." MIKE INGHAM
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." JOHN GREIG
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years." MARTIN HODGE
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet." JAMES SANDERSON
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour." JOHN MOTSON
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." MALCOLM McDONALD
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun." BOBBY CHARLTON
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave." JOHN HOLLINS
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." DAVE BASSETT
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." RICHARD PARK
"That's football, Mike. Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice." TREVOR BROOKING
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record." SPORTS ROUNDUP
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way." RON ATKINSON
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0." IAN DARK
"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places." JOHN GIDMAN
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." DAVID ACFIELD
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio" Gerry Francis
"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday." New York Post (1993)
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers." Mick Lyons
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" Stuart Pearce (1992)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" Ron Atkinson (1979)
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" John Motson - BBC TV
"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona" Kevin Keegan
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on
the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."
(Contributed by Dave Perkins)